Superstitious Wenger shakes off Hughes

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger responded to Manchester City boss Mark Hughes’ outburst over the absence of a handshake by blaming the snub on the alignment of the stars.

Wenger tries to think of an excuse fast

On the eve of the superstitious Frenchman’s 500th game as Arsenal manager, the contact-avoider said the lack of a handshake was nothing personal against Hughes, just a case of ‘horoscope misfortune’.

“I have been in charge of 500 games for Arsenal, and I have shaken hands 497 times. That’s just the way I chose to live my life,” mumbled Wenger.

“It’s an ancient Wenger family tradition. It’s just unlucky that Hughes caught me on a day when the stars selected the 3/500 chance that I would not handshake.

“One of the other times I didn’t handshake was when Prince Harry was guest of honour. I wasn’t shunning him, I just could not do anything about it.

“The other time was with Mr Ferguson and the decision not to shake was nothing to do with his achievements.”

City boss Hughes refused to acknowledge the superstition excuse was valid, and was seething that the Frenchman bypassed the skin-touching exercise.

“I always shake hands before and after I meet someone,” said Hughes. “And sometimes a few times in mid conversation.

“You can never shake hands too much, there is no excuse. There is never an inopportune moment.

“Last year, my house was burgled, and before I apprehended the villain… I thoroughly shook his hand.

“I pinned him to the ground and, before the police carried him away, I shook it again.”

Hughes’ furious outburst over the lack of shakey-hand action sent shock waves through the Premier league.

Before Chelsea’s visit to Eastlands, manager Carlo Ancelotti said: “Hughes’ intensity worries me. I will be shaking his hand at least three times before the game.

“And no matter how many times he offends me or my family, I will be shaking numerous times afterwards.”

– – Dirty Shorts is a satirical football parody, and contains no true facts whatsoever – –

Richard Dunne tries to pull away, to no avail

Blatter: Ireland have to lose eventually

The FAI are furious their proposal for Ireland to become the 33rd team in the World Cup was rejected after FIFA president Sepp Blatter refused to accommodate Ireland’s re-entry to the competition every single time they were knocked out.

Blatter took Ireland’s proposal seriously

The Republic’s proposal suggested they should have special dispensation should they be eliminated by ‘clearly unfair naughty cheating,’ and automatically be replaced into the next round of the tournament.

But FIFA president Blatter selfishly shot down the idea, and ludicrously suggested that if Ireland want to play in the finals they should resort to beating their opposition.

“A 33rd team in the World Cup is a possibility, but I don’t think Ireland’s proposal is a feasible approach for football,” he may have said.

“Their suggestion means they could unbalance the number of teams in a knockout phase, or even become a fifth semi-finalist on the basis that an offside went against them.

“And their idea of playing a World Cup final with three teams is unimaginable.”

Blatter hears Ireland’s pain

When the FIA asked if video cameras could be implemented to stop Ireland being eliminated from future competitions, Blatter broke out in a sweat at the mention of technology and ran out of the room.

UEFA president Michel Platini stood in and when quizzed about Blatter’s comment about how re-entering the tournament after elimination was a possibility, he added: “it could be possible to accommodate an extra national team, but only in the correct circumstances… for example, if it was France.”

– – Dirty Shorts is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – –

Reds don’t have the balls to sack Rafa

Liverpool’s board have insisted manager Rafa Benitez’s position is safe because not only does he owns all of the club’s footballs, but he has a contractual clause which gives him all rights to any football the club ever buys.

“Think you can win without this?”

Managing Director Christian Purslow must come to terms with either keeping the fiery Spaniard at Anfield, or have the club face a ball-less future.

Purslow admitted that the hirsute hombre conducted clever contractual negotiations to get the ‘football ownership’ clause put in, and little did they know they would face this situation.

The board are leaning towards backing the wily tactician to achieve some sort of consistency at the club, rather than face the prospect of winning the Premier League without a ball of their own.

– – Dirty Shorts is a satirical football parody, and contains no true facts whatsoever – –

Bank of Southend, embargo embraced and more….

Administration-hit Southend United were given a life-line after finding out their only chance of survival lies in a government bail-out.

Mastermind of the club’s success

But Southend fans are in dismay, because under new government subsidy take-over conditions, United would need to be re-classified as a bank.

Supporters will need to apply for match tickets, but will be refused if they have outstanding debts or a bad credit rating.

Want-away owner Mike Ashley has conceded defeat in his attempts to offload Newcastle United by stating his intentions to turn the club around, at least until he gets disheartened and changes his mind.

As the fair-weather owner revels in the joy of being top of the league, he has forced Chris Hughton into taking the job he has always dreaded, the permanent manager position.

Portsmouth fans are rejoicing about the news that the club has been restricted with a transfer embargo.

Pompey fans embrace embargo

After Pompey’s transfer committee sanctioned some woeful summer signings, supporters took to the streets to celebrate the thought of not acquiring any more rough-tackling defensive midfielders, lower-division wingers or battering-ram strikers.

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Allardyce: swine flu is not tactical

Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce has denied claims that he plans to take the Premier League by storm by infecting every other team with swine flu.

After two massive defeats against Arsenal and Chelsea, The Lancashire-based outfit are rumoured to be researching new biological-warfare approaches in order to eliminate their competition.

Allardyce learned powerful mind-tricks at the Reebok

“My scouting trip to the Libya had nothing to do with learning how to infect people with viruses, and my meeting with Colnel Gadaffi around the time of the outbreak was purely co-incidental,” he potentially pleaded.

The devious Allardyce has a back-ground of underhand tactics, after achieving success at Bolton by brainwashing ageing superstars into believing they were still talented.

But his mind-powers failed to convince his over-price imports that they had any ability while in charge at Newcastle, so it appears he has resorted to infecting opponents with contagious bacteria.

Suspicions were confounded after an FA announcement that spitting on the pitch could lead to the spreading of swine flu coincided with El-Hadj Diouf being restored to the first team.

– The Dirty Tackle Press is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever –

Altidore apologises all over Brown’s wall

After turning up late for Saturday’s match and releasing a statement on social-networking website Twitter which he was fined for, Hull striker Jozy Altidore has today released a YouTube vlog to apologise for his online outburst.

The Skype is the limit

The obsessive social networker has revealed he plans to work his way back in to manager Phil Brown’s good-books by making friends with him on Facebook, before serenading him with iTunes.

Altidore’s tweet read “Apologize to all of you. I showed up late. Made a big mistake I’m very very sorry,” but the digital striker could face further trouble after he was allegedly seen on Vine, critising manager Phil Brown for double standards.

“I’d rather not talk about it. This sort of technology has no place in football,” responded manager Phil Brown via Bluetooth headset.

– The Dirty Tackle Press is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever –

Ramos talks himself out of work

What did you just say?

Former Tottenham manager Juande Ramos has left Russian club CSKA Moscow by mutual contest after failing to reply to CSKA chairman Yevgeni Giner’s request to “just speak up if you want to stay.”

The uni-lingual globetrotter look disappointed, and then bemused when asked his thoughts on losing another job where nobody knew who he was or what he was saying.

The misunderstanding occurred when Ramos’ interpreter was called to polish the plastic pitch, and Chairman Yestil Giner made the mistake of trying to converse with the stubborn Spaniard.

The Russian-speaking chairman allegedly said: “It wasn’t that Juande struggled to get his instructions across, it’s just that he didn’t even bother trying to talk to the players, or anybody, at all.

“The only person he spoke to was his interpreter, who didn’t even speak Russian,” added the oily oligarch.

Ramos has apparently insisted that he will soon return to management, but is only interested in managing a non-Spanish club who fail to recognise the importance of communication.

– The Dirty Tackle Press is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever –

Fergie almost issues apology

Who nose what Fergie said?

Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson may have reached uncharted territory in his illustrious career by apparently saying sorry for the first time, although an onlooker said it might have just been a sneeze.

A suspicious looking man, claiming to be called Mike Phelan, said: “you could tell Sir Alex felt guilty about his unfair comments towards referee Alan Whiley, either that or something had tickled his nostrils.”

Sir Alex nearly apologised once in 1988, after he instructed his then Aberdeen bus driver to arrive early for their match in the highlands of Inverness, when in fact they should have been playing in the southerly town of Berwick-upon-Tweed, but the chauffer was sacked the following day.

The Scottish knight also came close to uttering the ‘S’ word in 2005 when he stood square on promising striker Louis Saha’s bad foot, an incident which ruined the Frenchman’s potentially injury-free career.

Saha was released due to lack of game time a mere two fitness-lacking seasons later.

But after insinuating that fat referee Wiley was out of shape, the League Manager’s Association have threatened to ban the United manager for showing no respect towards their overweight officials.

When quizzed about his thoughts on the matter, Ferguson clearly built up towards an apology, before his nasal ejaculation clouded any certainty regarding the statement.

– The Dirty Tackle Press is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever –

Maradona doesn't threaten to resign

Diego Maradona has denied threatening to resign as Argentina coach, and says if anyone accuses him of threatening to resign, then he will resign.

After hinting to journalists that his tenure could be drawing to a conclusion, the cryptic coach whipped up a riddle more confusing than his persistent selection of Newcastle’s headless-chicken Jonas Gutierrez.

Maradona will never leave

And with Argentina’s World Cup hopes hanging in the balance of Saturday’s match with Peru and a midweek trip to Uruguay, their qualification prospects are about as stable as Maradona’s mind.

Despite verging on an embarrassingly soul-destroying World Cup exit, the maverick manager has also defended his selection policy of picking the players who he is best friends with.

“Riquelme may be one of the most technically gifted players in the world, but he isn’t much fun in the casino,” Maradona’s interpreter mistranslated.

“And Javier Zanetti and Maxi Rodriguez are way past hanging with the cool kids.

“In my team, If you are going to receive a cap, you need to be able to carry off a cap,” Maradona probably blurted before threatening to resign again.

– – The Dirty Tackle Press is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever –

Barnes buoyant over dismissal

Following breaking news that Tranmere Rovers have sacked manager John Barnes after 11 games in charge, a source close to the former England international claims he is looking at the positives from his reign.

“After short spells with Celtic and Jamaica, Barnsey was just pleased to be given a fair crack of the whip,” mumbled the imaginary informer.

“It may have only been two wins from 11 but both of those wins were completely tactically masterminded by John, although the own goal and red card in his favour did help.

Barnes is upbeat after his Tranmere run came to an end

“As far as Barnsey is concerned, it’s progress. And he’ll be looking for at least 20 games from his next appointment.”

The Jamaican-born tactician has already been linked with a short spell at Ipswich, before a more experienced man invariably takes over around December.

–The Dirty Tackle Press is a parody football satire and contains no true facts whatsoever —