Fergie almost issues apology

October 12, 2009 Leave a comment
Who nose what Fergie said?

Who nose what Fergie said?

Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson may have reached uncharted territory in his illustrious career by apparently saying sorry for the first time, although an onlooker said it might have just been a sneeze.

A suspicious looking man, claiming to be called Mike Phelan, said: “you could tell Sir Alex felt guilty about his unfair comments towards referee Alan Whiley, either that or something had tickled his nostrils.”

Sir Alex nearly apologised once in 1988, after he instructed his then Aberdeen bus driver to arrive early for their match in the highlands of Inverness, when in fact they should have been playing in the southerly town of Berwick-upon-Tweed, but the chauffer was sacked the following day.

The Scottish knight also came close to uttering the ‘S’ word in 2005 when he stood square on promising striker Louis Saha’s bad foot, an incident which ruined the Frenchman’s potentially injury-free career.

Saha was released due to lack of game time a mere two fitness-lacking seasons later.

But after insinuating that fat referee Wiley was out of shape, the League Manager’s Association have threatened to ban the United manager for showing no respect towards their overweight officials.

When quizzed about his thoughts on the matter, Ferguson clearly built up towards an apology, before his nasal ejaculation clouded any certainty regarding the statement.

– The Dirty Tackle Press is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever –

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Maradona doesn't threaten to resign

October 9, 2009 2 comments

Diego Maradona has denied threatening to resign as Argentina coach, and says if anyone accuses him of threatening to resign, then he will resign.

After hinting to journalists that his tenure could be drawing to a conclusion, the cryptic coach whipped up a riddle more confusing than his persistent selection of Newcastle’s headless-chicken Jonas Gutierrez.

Maradona will never leave Argentina

Maradona will never leave

And with Argentina’s World Cup hopes hanging in the balance of Saturday’s match with Peru and a midweek trip to Uruguay, their qualification prospects are about as stable as Maradona’s mind.

Despite verging on an embarrassingly soul-destroying World Cup exit, the maverick manager has also defended his selection policy of picking the players who he is best friends with.

“Riquelme may be one of the most technically gifted players in the world, but he isn’t much fun in the casino,” Maradona’s interpreter mistranslated.

“And Javier Zanetti and Maxi Rodriguez are way past hanging with the cool kids.

“In my team, If you are going to receive a cap, you need to be able to carry off a cap,” Maradona probably blurted before threatening to resign again.

– – The Dirty Tackle Press is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever –

Barnes buoyant over dismissal

October 9, 2009 Leave a comment

Following breaking news that Tranmere Rovers have sacked manager John Barnes after 11 games in charge, a source close to the former England international claims he is looking at the positives from his reign.

“After short spells with Celtic and Jamaica, Barnsey was just pleased to be given a fair crack of the whip,” mumbled the imaginary informer.

“It may have only been two wins from 11 but both of those wins were completely tactically masterminded by John, although the own goal and red card in his favour did help.

Barnes is upbeat after his Tranmere run came to an end

Barnes is upbeat after his Tranmere run came to an end

“As far as Barnsey is concerned, it’s progress. And he’ll be looking for at least 20 games from his next appointment.”

The Jamaican-born tactician has already been linked with a short spell at Ipswich, before a more experienced man invariably takes over around December.

–The Dirty Tackle Press is a parody football satire and contains no true facts whatsoever —

Al-Fahim sells Pompey to fictional character

October 9, 2009 Leave a comment

Shieking up a storm of mystery

Illusive Portsmouth shareholder Suliaman Al-Fahim has again gone to great lengths to avoid his staff, this time by selling the club to a man who may not even exist.

Obscure oligarch Ali Al Faraj bought a 90% stake in the capsizing club, but Saudi league commissioner and fountain of knowledge Dr Hafez Almedlej has never even heard of the man who acquired the sinking ship from Al-Fahim.

Saudi Cheif: Knows almost everybody 

The sneaky sheik has previously evaded his team by voluntarily admitting himself to hospital, and by appointing an extra layer of irrelevant management, in Avram Grant, to further distance himself from his players.

But the news that the new owner may not even be a real person is rumored to have infuriated ever-on-edge manager Paul Hart.

Hart, who holds a monopoly over the ‘Next Premier League manager to be sacked’ betting market, possibly never said: “It was bad enough not being paid, but having some sort of Charlie’s Angels character dishing out the wages is the final straw.”

“I am even tempted to leave if he doesn’t sack me in the morning. ”

How Al-Fahim will next sidestep his commitments after the faux-sale is anyone’s guess, but there it is possible that the devious director has a few more tricks up his sleeve.

Hart may or may not have added: “I’ve never even seen Al-Fahim apart from in photographs on the internet. The ones we are in together are super-imposed. It seems that he’ll do anything to avoid watching Pompey.”

Fratton Park season-ticket holders are said to understand where Al-Fahim is coming from.

– – The Dirty Tackle Press is a football satire parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – –

Amuse and Rumours, 16/08/09

August 16, 2009 Leave a comment

Reading transfer news and rumours is often a quick-fire solution for your football fix, but are they reliable sources? 

Most rumour mill rummagers pilfour the juicest clipping from the weeks back pages, then present it to you as if they have done something constructive. However, as we’re looking at second-hand news, the facts often gets confused. But we bring you the real stories that got lost in translation. So here are this week’s round of third-hand Chinese whispers…..

Chelsea are ready to offer £25m plus full-back Jose Bosingwa to land Bayern Munich midfielder Franck Ribery. The Frenchman is currently trafficking in Knightsbridge air space, and Ribery’s desire for Boswinga’s affections is the Blues’ final attempt to entice him back down to earth. (Sunday Express)

Notts County director of football Sven-Goran Eriksson is hoping to persuade Pavel Nedved and Luis Figo to come out of retirement and join the League Two side, as he attempts to reinforce County’s reputation as the world’s oldest league club. (Mail on Sunday)

Hull will smash their transfer record with a £12m swoop for Real Madrid forward Alvaro Negredo, as long as the North-East club can successfully hijack every other club’s offer and also hypnotise the Spanish striker. (News of the World)

West Ham defender Matthew Upson has admitted he might have to be sold to ease the club’s financial uncertainty. If the Hamnmers sell Upson it will pave the way for them to move for Bordeaux striker Marouane Chamakh, in order to maintain the club’s trademark financial uncertainty. (News of the World)

Portsmouth have been asked by Lens to give bank guarantees showing they can stump up £4m to sign forward Aruna Dindane. Pompey’s original attempt to buy the player was exposed as fraudulent by the French club after the offer of a scrap-paper IOU note was revealed to be written in disappearing ink. (News of the World)

Arsenal, Manchester City, Liverpool, Everton and Aston Villa all waiting to pounce on Fulham defender Brede Hangeland. The Whites have offered wages of £50,000 a week in order to help protect their much desired defenders’ safety. (News of the World)

Arsenal midfielder Cesc Fabregas is likely to join Barcelona next summer when the Spanish giants hold leadership elections. The Gunners skipper is set to achieve a boyhood ambition by becoming president of the European champions. (News of the World)