Rafa rates blind optimism as key to success

Benitez is in full control of the situation

Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez insist he will not be rushed into panic buying in the January transfer window to reinforce his misfiring, bewildered attack.

Since creative spark Steven Gerrard and Spanish weather phenomenon Fernando Torres have been missing through injury, Liverpool’s midfield have been wandering around the pitch in a dazed state of confusion – apparently looking for their absent masterminds.

Benitez has considered hooking his starting eleven up to an infa-red ear piece system in order for Gerrard to instruct each player where to pass the ball, but the Spanish fantasist maintains his squad can cope without their talisman.

The hirsute hombre rambled: “We have a good squad, it’s not as bad as people think – just because people haven’t heard of a player, or the player has never received praise or recognition by the fans, press and any other professionals alike – despite being tried and tested numerous times – doesn’t mean they are bad players,”

“It is important to have faith. People say we need another striker like Torres, you say ok – where are the strikers of this high quality? If we cannot have another Torres, I’d rather not have another striker at all.”

 “I believe N’Gog can step up. Fernando has been working with David, and he now has him trained to the point where he knows which direction to aim for, and soon enough he will be ready to receive a pass.”

 “We only look at the facts. We don’t sign many big name players. And any big name signings we do make will be meticulously planned and at value for money – like the deal for Alberto Aquilani.”

- – Dirty Tackle is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -

Wolves to be banned for being rubbish?

The Premier League is set to hit Wolves with an unusual series of sanctions following Mick McCarthy’s decision to rest several key players for the game against Manchester United, writes Dirty Shorts Truth Correspondent Dan McKeown.

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According to leaked documents that our reporter photoshopped yestereve, players will be submitted to a ‘fit and proper persons test’ ahead of being allowed to take the field.

Amongst other things, this will involve assistant referees checking not only substitutes’ studs, but also how many keepy ups they can do before letting them on the pitch.

The premiership as also come up with what could come to be known as ‘The Wolves Equation’ whereby the total of all players’ numbers on the pitch cannot exceed 150.

The rationale behind this is to encourage the team to have as many established first-teamers on the pitch as possible and not bench-warmers with numbers like 19 or 87 on their backs.

This could prompt a mad rush for the invaluable #2 jersey if it is vacated.

Furthermore, the Midlands club has been emphatically walloped with cruel and unusual restrictions for the January transfer window.

“No rubbish,” states the premiership blankly.

“We can’t have clubs like Wolves buying in stalwarts from the lower divisions and reliable journeymen when other clubs are splashing out on exciting, tantrum-throwing visionaries who get them relegated.

“The only way we can stop these roundheads from taking liberties with our franchise is to make sure they buy proper players, not tripe.”

UEFA, who always bitch about teams resting players for Champions League games, are thought to be keeping a keen eye on how the proposals work out.

Because eliminating ‘dead rubber’ matches by changing the Champions League back into a straight knock-out format would just make no sense at all.

- – Dirty Shorts is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -