Hodgson insists Fulham boys can be England’s saviours

Fulham supremo Roy Hodgson is showing his first signs of senility after claiming all Fabio Capello’s selection problems can be solved by Fulham’s English contingency.

Hodgson has been pondering England's problems for some time

With Emile Heskey’s long-term lack of form at Aston Villa, Hodgson suggested that a perfect like-for-like replacement for the bumbling muscle-head would be un-proflic bustler Bobby Zamora.

“If Capello is looking for a tall-ish, powerful, slightly-aggressive but hardly imposing, inconvenience of a front-man as an alternative for Heskey, then Zamora is the one,” wittered the elderly gentleman.

“His unprecedented goal record of one in eight speaks for itself, and if you give him four or five clear cut opportunities in a game, I guarantee he will score one of them…. occasionally.”

And when questioned if he had any more inspiring advice for naïve, untutored England coach Capello, Hodgson revealed his proposal to rejuvenate the England team didn’t stop there.

Hodgson assures us he still has all of his marbles

“What the national side is short of in the middle is legs, and Steven Gerrard wouldn’t cover half the ground Jonathan Greening does on a Saturday, when he deserves to be picked over Chris Baird that is.

“A left-sided player has always been an issue. I’ll talk to Fabio all day about how Paul Konchesky’s left-footed delivery more than compensates for his many defensive frailties.

“And don’t get me started on goalkeepers. I’ve seen who Capello has been picking lately, he wouldn’t go far wrong selecting David Stockdale, our third choice keeper.

“He hasn’t been picked for the reserve team for a while, but he definitely has England goalkeeping qualities, in the respect that he is fast, agile and unconvincing,” he added.

Hogdson, appearing tired from the outburst, then retreated in need of a sit-down to his favourite armchair accompanied by his pipe, slippers and murray mints.

- – Dirty Shorts is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -

Superstitious Wenger shakes off Hughes

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger responded to Manchester City boss Mark Hughes’ outburst over the absence of a handshake by blaming the snub on the alignment of the stars.

Wenger tries to think of an excuse fast

On the eve of the superstitious Frenchman’s 500th game as Arsenal manager, the contact-avoider said the lack of a handshake was nothing personal against Hughes, just a random case of ‘horoscope bad luck’.

“I have been in charge of 500 games for Arsenal, and I have shaken hands 497 times. That’s just the way I chose to live my life,” mumbled Wenger.

“It’s an ancient Wenger family tradition. It’s just unlucky that Hughes caught me on a day when the god’s selected the 3/500 chance that I would not handshake.

“One of the other times I didn’t handshake was when Prince Harry was guest of honour. I wasn’t shunning him, I just could not do anything about it.”

“The other time was with Mr Ferguson, and the decision not to shake was nothing to do with my jealous resentment of his achievements.”

City boss Hughes refused to acknowledge the superstition excuse was valid, and was seething that the Frenchman bypassed the skin touching exercise.

“I always shake hands before and after I meet someone,” said Hughes. “And sometimes a few times in mid conversation.”

“You can never shake hands too much, there is no excuse. There is never an inopportune moment.

“Last year, my house was burgled, and before I apprehended the villain… I thoroughly shook his hand.

“I pinned him to the ground, and before the police carried him away… I shook it again.”

Hughes furious outburst over the lack of shakey-hand action sent shock waves through the Premier league.

Before Chelsea’s visit to Eastlands, manager Carlo Ancelotti said: “Hughes intensity worries me. I will be shaking his hand at least three times before the game.

“And no matter how many times he offends me or my family, I will be shaking numerous times afterwards.”

- – Dirty Shorts is a satirical football parody, and contains no true facts whatsoever – -

Hughes handshake is a Given

Richard Dunne tries to pull away, to no avail

Blatter: Ireland have to lose eventually

The FAI are furious their proposal for Ireland to become the 33rd team in the World Cup was rejected after FIFA president Sepp Blatter refused to accommodate Ireland’s re-entry to the competition every single time they were knocked out.

Blatter took Ireland's proposal seriously

The Republic’s proposal suggested they should have special dispensation should they be eliminated by ‘clearly unfair naughty cheating,’ and automatically be replaced into the next round of the tournament.

But FIFA president Blatter selfishly shot down the idea, and ludicrously suggested that if Ireland want to play in the finals they should resort to beating their opposition.

“A 33rd team in the World Cup is a possibility, but I don’t think Ireland’s proposal is a feasible approach for football,” he may have said.

“Their suggestion means they could unbalance the number of teams in a knockout phase, or even become a fifth semi-finalist on the basis that an offside went against them.

“And their idea of playing a World Cup final with three teams if they were to lose is unimaginable.”

Blatter hears Ireland's pain

When the FIA asked if video cameras could be implemented to stop Ireland being eliminated from future competitions, Blatter broke out in a sweat at the mention of technology and ran out of the room.

UEFA president Michel Platini stood in and when quizzed about Blatter’s comment about how re-entering the tournament after elimination was a possibility, he added: “it could be possible to accommodate an extra national team, but only in the correct circumstances… for example, if it was France.”

- – Dirty Shorts is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -