Reds don't have the balls to sack Rafa

Liverpool’s board have insisted manager Rafa Benitez’s position is safe because not only does he owns all of the club’s footballs, but he has a contractual clause which gives him all rights to any football the club ever buys.

"Think you can win without this?"

Managing director Christian Purslow must come to terms with either keeping the fiery Spanish waiter at Anfield, or have the club face a ball-less future.

Purslow admitted that the hirsute hombre conducted clever contractual negotiations to get the ‘football ownership’ clause put in, and little did they know they would face this decision.

But regardless, the board back the wiley Spaniard to achieve some sort of consistency at the club, rather than face the prospect of winning the Premier league without a ball of their own.

"You could try a beachball instead?"

The Anfield faithful have reacted positively to the announcement, and Purslow agrees with their optimism in the manager.

“The fans are entirely correct not to blame Rafa for failing to compete for all the big trophies, and are right to say the clubs American owners are at fault,” he probably didn’t say.

“The American’s lack of attendance always makes us fail to put the weaker teams away, and perform inconsistently against the top clubs.

“The reason our bench is so weak and the squad lack depth is because they never recommend any players to Rafa and his vast scouting network.

“And an administration error means the team sheet arrives pre-printed with Lucas’ name on – an issue that Rafa is yet to get around and the owners need to fix.”

- – Dirty Tackle is a satirical football parody, and contains no true facts whatsoever – -

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