Reds don't have the balls to sack Rafa

Liverpool’s board have insisted manager Rafa Benitez’s position is safe because not only does he owns all of the club’s footballs, but he has a contractual clause which gives him all rights to any football the club ever buys.

"Think you can win without this?"

Managing director Christian Purslow must come to terms with either keeping the fiery Spanish waiter at Anfield, or have the club face a ball-less future.

Purslow admitted that the hirsute hombre conducted clever contractual negotiations to get the ‘football ownership’ clause put in, and little did they know they would face this decision.

But regardless, the board back the wiley Spaniard to achieve some sort of consistency at the club, rather than face the prospect of winning the Premier league without a ball of their own.

"You could try a beachball instead?"

The Anfield faithful have reacted positively to the announcement, and Purslow agrees with their optimism in the manager.

“The fans are entirely correct not to blame Rafa for failing to compete for all the big trophies, and are right to say the clubs American owners are at fault,” he probably didn’t say.

“The American’s lack of attendance always makes us fail to put the weaker teams away, and perform inconsistently against the top clubs.

“The reason our bench is so weak and the squad lack depth is because they never recommend any players to Rafa and his vast scouting network.

“And an administration error means the team sheet arrives pre-printed with Lucas’ name on – an issue that Rafa is yet to get around and the owners need to fix.”

- – Dirty Tackle is a satirical football parody, and contains no true facts whatsoever – -

Hart leaves with dignity and money

Whoever makes the decisions at Portsmouth has suprisingly decided to sack unproven, unpopular, uninspiring manager Paul Hart.

Hart’s expression was rumoured to have changed for the first time in months from ‘distressed and confused’ to ‘poignantly relieved’ upon hearing the bombshell that has left many Pompey fans asking ‘Why now?’ 

Why me?

The mystery benefactor in charge of the decision, who we believe has passed the arduous ‘fit and proper persons test,’ expressed his displeasure with Hart’s inability to utilise the breadth of talent he has been given to work with.

“Hart was given an array of talent, from the worst-tackling defensive midfielders, to the strongest-albeit-aging African warriors, to the Championships occasional wonder-boys, and look how he repays us,” he may not have said.

“With the likes of Michael Brown, Aaron Mokoena, Tommy Smith and Danny Webber, we expect nothing less than to be challenging for top honours, but look at the disgrace he has brought upon these players of endless ability.”

“Harts shameful failure to motivate this abundance of class players left us with no other option…. to ask him to develop our 18-21 year-olds.”

It is rumoured that Hart has rejected the role, as he looks for another club in which to implement a style-free gang of footballing muscle-heads.

Hart had a hands-on role in Pompeys defensive approach

The fit and proper chairman insists that Hart’s replacement will be somebody who has proven experience getting the best out of lesser talented players and working on tight budgets.

Favourite for the tough motivational job is Avram Grant, who took Chelsea to the Champions league final with a glittering array of multi-billionaire stars.

Other sources say that it could be time to give the chance to a young manager, inexperienced with big ego players and dealing in a high-end transfer market, in an attempt to recreate the three weeks of success Tony Adams had in the role only 12 months ago.

The Pompey owner is said to be in search of a manager whose background will mirror the image of the club, and rumours suggest he will turn to recent Peterborough manager Darren Ferguson – a man who was out of his depth at a club with no hope of financial impact or global expansion.

Either way, the new manager will be need to confident they can push Pompey’s ‘footballers’ to the next level, and inspire the team to complete a coherent passing move.

- – Dirty Tackle is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -