Bank of Southend, Pompey fans celebrate embargo and more…

 

Administration-hit Southend United were given a lifeline after finding out their only chance of survival lies in a government bail-out.

Mastermind of the club’s success

But Southend fans are in dismay, because under new government subsidy take-over conditions, United would need to be re-classified as a bank.

Supporters will need to apply for match tickets, but will be refused if they have outstanding debts or a bad credit rating.

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Want-away owner Mike Ashley has conceded defeat in his attempts to offload Newcastle United by stating his intentions to turn the club around, at least until he gets disheartened and changes his mind.

As the fair-weather owner revels in the joy of being top of the league, he has forced Chris Hughton into taking the job he has always dreaded, the permanent manager position.

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Portsmouth fans are rejoicing about the news that the club has been restricted with a transfer embargo.

Pompey fans embrace embargo

After Paul Hart sanctioned some woeful summer signings, Pompey fans are celebrating the thought of not acquiring any more rough-tackling defensive midfielders, lower-division wingers or battering-ram strikers.

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After Everton’s Carling Cup exit, manager David Moyes has staged a silent protest, refusing to talk about his team’s busy match schedule in order to resolve the problem.

The Toffees have lost three games in eight days. Moyes has been silently protesting since 2004.

In other news….

Hull City have denied reports that they have sacked manager Phil Brown, despite plenty of speculation that a scruffy orange-skinned ruffian has been seen skulking around the bins under the inner ring-road by the KC stadium, wearing a Bluetooth headset.

Eet eez taam for you to go

After playing Blackburn last week, Chelsea owner Roman Abramovic has filed their 137th request for the FA to remove their transfer embargo, this time quoting the reason that they may need to replenish their squad in the event of the entire team being exterminated by swine flu.

And finally….. Arsene Wenger has taken his experimental Carling Cup youth policy to extreme measures, by refusing access to the stadium to any supports over the age of 18.

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Allardyce insists swine flu is not tactical

Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce has denied claims that he plans to take the Premier League by storm by infecting every other team with swine flu.

After two massive defeats against Arsenal and Chelsea, The Lancashire-based carriers-of-the-disease are rumoured to be deploying new biological-warfare approaches in order to eliminate their competition.

Allardyce learned powerful mind-tricks at the Reebok

“My scouting trip to the Libya had nothing to do with learning how infect people with viruses, and my meeting with Colnel Gadaffi around the time of the outbreak was purely co-incidental,” he potentially pleaded.

The devious Allardyce has a back-ground of underhand tactics, after achieving success at Bolton by brainwashing ageing superstars into believing they were still talented.

But his mind-powers failed to convince his over-price imports that they had any ability while in charge at Newcastle, so it appears the fat-headed waffler has turned to infecting opponents with contagious bacteria.

Suspicions were confounded after an FA announcement that spitting on the pitch could lead to the spreading of swine flu, coincided with El-Hadj Diouf being restored to the first-team.

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Altidore apologises all over Phil Brown's wall

After turning up late for Saturday’s match, and releasing a statement on social-networking website Twitter which he was fined for, Hull striker Jozy Altidore has today released a video podcast to apologise for his online outburst.

The Skype is the limit

The obsessive American networker has proclaimed that he plans to work his way back in to manager Phil Brown’s good-books by making friends with him on Facebook, before serenading him on iTunes.

But if the American striker continues to break club rules, he could find himself restricted to the sidelines longer than the name of strike-partner Jan Vennegoorre of Hesseseselelinnk.

Altidore’s tweet read “Apologize to all of you. I showed up late. Made a big mistake I’m very very sorry,” but the digital striker could face further trouble after he was allegedly seen on Youtube, critising manager Phil Brown for double standards.

“That is not true. This sort of technology has no place in football,” responded manager Phil Brown via Bluetooth headset.

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Ramos talks himself out of work

What did you just say?

Former Tottenham manager Juande Ramos has left Russian club CSKA Moscow by mutual contest after failing to reply to CSKA chairman Yevgeni Giner’s request to “just speak up if you want to stay.”

The uni-lingual globetrotter look disappointed, and then bemused when asked his thoughts on losing another job where nobody knew who he was or what he was saying.

The misunderstanding occurred when Ramos’ interpreter was called to polish the plastic pitch, and Chairman Giner made the mistake of trying to converse with the stubborn Spaniard.

The Russian-speaking chairman allegedly said: “It wasn’t that Juande struggled to get his instructions across, it’s just that he didn’t even bother trying to talk to the players, or anybody, at all.

“The only person he spoke to was his interpreter, who didn’t even speak Russian,” added the oily oligarch.

Ramos has apparently insisted that he will soon return to management, but is only interested in managing a non-Spanish club who fail to recognise the importance of communication.

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Fergie almost issues apology

Who nose what Fergie said?

Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has broken a rare milestone in his illustrious career by apparently saying sorry for the first time, although an onlooker said it might have just been a sneeze.

A suspicious looking man claiming to be called Mike Phelan, said that: “you could tell Sir Alex felt guilty about his unfair comments towards referee Alan Riley, either that or something had tickled his nostrils.”

Sir Alex nearly apologised once in 1988, after he instructed his then Aberdeen team bus driver to arrive early for their match in the highlands of Inverness, when in fact they should have been playing in the Southerly town of Berwick-upon-Tweed, but the chauffer was sacked the following day.

The Scotch knight also came close to uttering the ‘S’ word in 2005 when he stood square on promising striker Louis Saha’s bad foot, an incident which ruined the Frenchman’s potentially injury-free lucrative career.

Saha was released due to lack of game time a mere two fitness-lacking seasons later.

But after insinuating that fat referee Alan Wiley was out of shape, the League Manager’s Association have threatened to ban the United manager for showing no respect towards their overweight officials.

But when quizzed about his thoughts on the matter, Ferguson clearly built up towards an apology, before his nasal ejaculation clouded any certainty regarding the statement.

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Eriksson to make big money decision

Eriksson decides who gets the cash

The Notts County chairman, whoever he is, has announced that the clubs’ next manager will receive a huge bankroll and a pick of the ladies.

The job of appointing the new boss has been given to director of football Sven Goran Eriksson, and bookmakers have slashed odds down to a mere certainty that the former England manager will offer himself the position.

The anonymous owner has also confirmed that ex-manager Ian McPharland’s dismissal was based primarily on footballing terms, and had little to do with the club looking for a star-studded image.

The businessman who knows nothing about sport hinted: “Although McPharland was motivating the team well and applying an impressive brand of flowing passing, there is so much more than quality to take into consideration when it comes to managing a football club.

“With the under-strength squad of players he had, lying well-placed at fifth in the league at such an early stage of the season was just not good enough.

“McPharland may have had the team playing great football but he wasn’t getting noticed in the street or being invited to celebrity parties at all.

“Losing a two-goal lead against Torquay though was the final straw, and if the players keep performing like that, we won’t be inviting them out to any more VIP premieres the night before a game at all.”

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Maradona doesn't threaten to resign

Diego Maradona has denied threatening to resign as Argentina coach, and says if anyone accuses him of threatening to resign, then he will resign.

After hinting to journalists that his tenure could be drawing to a conclusion, the cryptic coach whipped up a riddle more confusing than his persistent selection of Newcastle’s headless-chicken Jonas Gutierrez.

Maradona will never leave

And with Argentina’s World Cup hopes hanging in the balance of Saturday’s match with Peru and a midweek trip to Uruguay, their qualification prospects are about as stable as Maradona’s mind.

Despite verging on an embarrassingly soul-destroying World Cup exit, the maverick manager has also defended his selection policy of picking the players who he is best friends with.

“Riquelme may be one of the most technically gifted players in the world, but he isn’t much fun in the casino,” Maradona’s interpreter mistranslated.

“And Javier Zanetti and Maxi Rodriguez are way past hanging with the cool kids.

“In my team, If you are going to receive a cap, you need to be able to carry off a cap,” Maradona probably blurted before threatening to resign again.

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Barnes buoyant over dismissal

Following breaking news that Tranmere Rovers have sacked manager John Barnes after 11 games in charge, a source close to the former England international claims he is looking at the positives from arguably the best managerial return of his career.

“After short spells with Celtic and Jamaica, Barnsey was just pleased to be given a fair crack of the whip,” mumbled the imaginary informer.

“It may have only been two wins from 11, but both of those wins were completely tactically masterminded by John… although the own goal and red card in his favour did help.

Barnes is upbeat after his Tranmere run came to an end

“As far as Barnsey is concerned, it’s progress. And he’ll be looking for at least 20 games from his next appointment.”

Barnes appeared to take the news in a positive light, and has talked publicly about the dismissal, but he spoke so quickly nobody could understand what he said.

The Jamacian-born tactician has already been linked with a short spell at Ipswich, before a more experienced man invariably takes over around December.

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Al-Fahim sells Pompey to fictional character

Shieking up a storm of mystery

                                               

Illusive Portsmouth shareholder Suliaman Al-Fahim has again gone to great lengths to avoid his staff, this time by selling the club to a man who may not even exist.

Obscure oligarch Ali Al Faraj bought a 90% stake in the capsizing club, but Saudi league commissioner and fountain of Arabian knowledge Dr Hafez Almedlej has never even heard of the man who acquired the sinking ship from Al-Fahim.

Saudi Cheif: Knows everyone in Middle East

The sneaky sheik has previously evaded his team by voluntarily admitting himself to hospital, and by appointing an extra layer of irrelevant management, in Avram Grant, to further distance himself from his players.

But the news that the new owner may not even be a real person is rumored to have infuriated ever-on-edge manager Paul Hart.

Hart, who holds a monopoly over the ‘Next Premier League manager to be sacked’ betting market, possibly never said: “It was bad enough not being paid, but having some sort of Charlie’s Angels character dishing out the wages is the final straw.”

“I am even tempted to leave if he doesn’t sack me in the morning. ”

How Al-Fahim will next sidestep his commitments after the faux-sale is anyones guess, but there is no doubt that the devious director has a few more tricks up his robes.

Hart may or may not have added: “I’ve never even seen Al-Fahim apart from in photographs on the internet. The ones we are in together are super-imposed. It seems that he’ll do anything to avoid watching Pompey.”

Fratton Park season-ticket holders are said to understand where Al-Fahim is coming from.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/p/portsmouth/8297477.stm

- – The Dirty Tackle Press is a football satire parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -