Maradona caught clowing around
DIEGO Maradona is facing more criticism of his coaching techniques as haphazard defender Fabrizio Coloccini may miss the World Cup after a circus-related injury.
The bambi-on-ice centre-back was set to be a key fixture in Maradona’s paceless backline despite his well-recorded problems with maintaining his equilibrium.
Coloccini desperately attempts to stay on his feet
And reports that Coloccini’s injury occurred while a Moscow State Circus performer trained the mopheaded liability to walk the high-wire have been strenuously denied by Maradona.
“Coloccini is a very solid defender – particularly when he is standing still,” said Maradona.
“His balance problems are well documented and we are trying our best to make him stay on two legs – but my philosophy on defending is you don’t always have to be upright.
“And we are always looking at alternative training techniques, like the casino assault course, but these circus rumours are simply not true,” pleaded Maradona.
“The fact there is a trapeze in the training camp is merley a co-incidence,” he added.
Thousands rejoiced in the streets of Buenos Aires as the news of Coloccini’s set-back filtered through, and an impromtu carnival quickly formed.
The throngs of revellers began chanting for further injuries to force Maradona to fall back on omitted world-class players like Cambiasso, Zanetti and Riquelme to enhance his slap-dash squad.
- – Dirty Tackle is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -
Rafa rates blind optimism as key to success
Benitez is in full control of the situation
Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez insist he will not be rushed into panic buying in the January transfer window to reinforce his misfiring, bewildered attack.
Since creative spark Steven Gerrard and Spanish weather phenomenon Fernando Torres have been missing through injury, Liverpool’s midfield have been wandering around the pitch in a dazed state of confusion – apparently looking for their absent masterminds.
Benitez has considered hooking his starting eleven up to an infa-red ear piece system in order for Gerrard to instruct each player where to pass the ball, but the Spanish fantasist maintains his squad can cope without their talisman.
The hirsute hombre rambled: “We have a good squad, it’s not as bad as people think – just because people haven’t heard of a player, or the player has never received praise or recognition by the fans, press and any other professionals alike – despite being tried and tested numerous times – doesn’t mean they are bad players,”
“It is important to have faith. People say we need another striker like Torres, you say ok – where are the strikers of this high quality? If we cannot have another Torres, I’d rather not have another striker at all.”
“I believe N’Gog can step up. Fernando has been working with David, and he now has him trained to the point where he knows which direction to aim for, and soon enough he will be ready to receive a pass.”
“We only look at the facts. We don’t sign many big name players. And any big name signings we do make will be meticulously planned and at value for money – like the deal for Alberto Aquilani.”
- – Dirty Tackle is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -
Wolves to be banned for being rubbish?
Amongst other things, this will involve assistant referees checking not only substitutes’ studs, but also how many keepy ups they can do before letting them on the pitch.
The premiership as also come up with what could come to be known as ‘The Wolves Equation’ whereby the total of all players’ numbers on the pitch cannot exceed 150.
The rationale behind this is to encourage the team to have as many established first-teamers on the pitch as possible and not bench-warmers with numbers like 19 or 87 on their backs.
This could prompt a mad rush for the invaluable #2 jersey if it is vacated.
Furthermore, the Midlands club has been emphatically walloped with cruel and unusual restrictions for the January transfer window.
“No rubbish,” states the premiership blankly.
“We can’t have clubs like Wolves buying in stalwarts from the lower divisions and reliable journeymen when other clubs are splashing out on exciting, tantrum-throwing visionaries who get them relegated.
“The only way we can stop these roundheads from taking liberties with our franchise is to make sure they buy proper players, not tripe.”
UEFA, who always bitch about teams resting players for Champions League games, are thought to be keeping a keen eye on how the proposals work out.
Because eliminating ‘dead rubber’ matches by changing the Champions League back into a straight knock-out format would just make no sense at all.
- – Dirty Shorts is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -
Hodgson insists Fulham boys can be England’s saviours
Fulham supremo Roy Hodgson is showing his first signs of senility after claiming all Fabio Capello’s selection problems can be solved by Fulham’s English contingency.
Hodgson has been pondering England's problems for some time
With Emile Heskey’s long-term lack of form at Aston Villa, Hodgson suggested that a perfect like-for-like replacement for the bumbling muscle-head would be un-proflic bustler Bobby Zamora.
“If Capello is looking for a tall-ish, powerful, slightly-aggressive but hardly imposing, inconvenience of a front-man as an alternative for Heskey, then Zamora is the one,” wittered the elderly gentleman.
“His unprecedented goal record of one in eight speaks for itself, and if you give him four or five clear cut opportunities in a game, I guarantee he will score one of them…. occasionally.”
And when questioned if he had any more inspiring advice for naïve, untutored England coach Capello, Hodgson revealed his proposal to rejuvenate the England team didn’t stop there.
Hodgson assures us he still has all of his marbles
“What the national side is short of in the middle is legs, and Steven Gerrard wouldn’t cover half the ground Jonathan Greening does on a Saturday, when he deserves to be picked over Chris Baird that is.
“A left-sided player has always been an issue. I’ll talk to Fabio all day about how Paul Konchesky’s left-footed delivery more than compensates for his many defensive frailties.
“And don’t get me started on goalkeepers. I’ve seen who Capello has been picking lately, he wouldn’t go far wrong selecting David Stockdale, our third choice keeper.
“He hasn’t been picked for the reserve team for a while, but he definitely has England goalkeeping qualities, in the respect that he is fast, agile and unconvincing,” he added.
Hogdson, appearing tired from the outburst, then retreated in need of a sit-down to his favourite armchair accompanied by his pipe, slippers and murray mints.
- – Dirty Shorts is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -
Superstitious Wenger shakes off Hughes
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger responded to Manchester City boss Mark Hughes’ outburst over the absence of a handshake by blaming the snub on the alignment of the stars.
Wenger tries to think of an excuse fast
On the eve of the superstitious Frenchman’s 500th game as Arsenal manager, the contact-avoider said the lack of a handshake was nothing personal against Hughes, just a random case of ‘horoscope bad luck’.
“I have been in charge of 500 games for Arsenal, and I have shaken hands 497 times. That’s just the way I chose to live my life,” mumbled Wenger.
“It’s an ancient Wenger family tradition. It’s just unlucky that Hughes caught me on a day when the god’s selected the 3/500 chance that I would not handshake.
“One of the other times I didn’t handshake was when Prince Harry was guest of honour. I wasn’t shunning him, I just could not do anything about it.”
“The other time was with Mr Ferguson, and the decision not to shake was nothing to do with my jealous resentment of his achievements.”
City boss Hughes refused to acknowledge the superstition excuse was valid, and was seething that the Frenchman bypassed the skin touching exercise.
“I always shake hands before and after I meet someone,” said Hughes. “And sometimes a few times in mid conversation.”
“You can never shake hands too much, there is no excuse. There is never an inopportune moment.
“Last year, my house was burgled, and before I apprehended the villain… I thoroughly shook his hand.
“I pinned him to the ground, and before the police carried him away… I shook it again.”
Hughes furious outburst over the lack of shakey-hand action sent shock waves through the Premier league.
Before Chelsea’s visit to Eastlands, manager Carlo Ancelotti said: “Hughes intensity worries me. I will be shaking his hand at least three times before the game.
“And no matter how many times he offends me or my family, I will be shaking numerous times afterwards.”
- – Dirty Shorts is a satirical football parody, and contains no true facts whatsoever – -
Hughes handshake is a Given
Richard Dunne tries to pull away, to no avail
Blatter: Ireland have to lose eventually
The FAI are furious their proposal for Ireland to become the 33rd team in the World Cup was rejected after FIFA president Sepp Blatter refused to accommodate Ireland’s re-entry to the competition every single time they were knocked out.
Blatter took Ireland's proposal seriously
The Republic’s proposal suggested they should have special dispensation should they be eliminated by ‘clearly unfair naughty cheating,’ and automatically be replaced into the next round of the tournament.
But FIFA president Blatter selfishly shot down the idea, and ludicrously suggested that if Ireland want to play in the finals they should resort to beating their opposition.
“A 33rd team in the World Cup is a possibility, but I don’t think Ireland’s proposal is a feasible approach for football,” he may have said.
“Their suggestion means they could unbalance the number of teams in a knockout phase, or even become a fifth semi-finalist on the basis that an offside went against them.
“And their idea of playing a World Cup final with three teams if they were to lose is unimaginable.”
Blatter hears Ireland's pain
When the FIA asked if video cameras could be implemented to stop Ireland being eliminated from future competitions, Blatter broke out in a sweat at the mention of technology and ran out of the room.
UEFA president Michel Platini stood in and when quizzed about Blatter’s comment about how re-entering the tournament after elimination was a possibility, he added: “it could be possible to accommodate an extra national team, but only in the correct circumstances… for example, if it was France.”
- – Dirty Shorts is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -
Reds don't have the balls to sack Rafa
Liverpool’s board have insisted manager Rafa Benitez’s position is safe because not only does he owns all of the club’s footballs, but he has a contractual clause which gives him all rights to any football the club ever buys.
"Think you can win without this?"
Managing director Christian Purslow must come to terms with either keeping the fiery Spanish waiter at Anfield, or have the club face a ball-less future.
Purslow admitted that the hirsute hombre conducted clever contractual negotiations to get the ‘football ownership’ clause put in, and little did they know they would face this decision.
But regardless, the board back the wiley Spaniard to achieve some sort of consistency at the club, rather than face the prospect of winning the Premier league without a ball of their own.
"You could try a beachball instead?"
The Anfield faithful have reacted positively to the announcement, and Purslow agrees with their optimism in the manager.
“The fans are entirely correct not to blame Rafa for failing to compete for all the big trophies, and are right to say the clubs American owners are at fault,” he probably didn’t say.
“The American’s lack of attendance always makes us fail to put the weaker teams away, and perform inconsistently against the top clubs.
Hart leaves with dignity and money
Whoever makes the decisions at Portsmouth has suprisingly decided to sack unproven, unpopular, uninspiring manager Paul Hart.
Hart’s expression was rumoured to have changed for the first time in months from ‘distressed and confused’ to ‘poignantly relieved’ upon hearing the bombshell that has left many Pompey fans asking ‘Why now?’
Why me?
The mystery benefactor in charge of the decision, who we believe has passed the arduous ‘fit and proper persons test,’ expressed his displeasure with Hart’s inability to utilise the breadth of talent he has been given to work with.
“Hart was given an array of talent, from the worst-tackling defensive midfielders, to the strongest-albeit-aging African warriors, to the Championships occasional wonder-boys, and look how he repays us,” he may not have said.
“With the likes of Michael Brown, Aaron Mokoena, Tommy Smith and Danny Webber, we expect nothing less than to be challenging for top honours, but look at the disgrace he has brought upon these players of endless ability.”
“Harts shameful failure to motivate this abundance of class players left us with no other option…. to ask him to develop our 18-21 year-olds.”
It is rumoured that Hart has rejected the role, as he looks for another club in which to implement a style-free gang of footballing muscle-heads.
Hart had a hands-on role in Pompeys defensive approach
The fit and proper chairman insists that Hart’s replacement will be somebody who has proven experience getting the best out of lesser talented players and working on tight budgets.
Favourite for the tough motivational job is Avram Grant, who took Chelsea to the Champions league final with a glittering array of multi-billionaire stars.
Other sources say that it could be time to give the chance to a young manager, inexperienced with big ego players and dealing in a high-end transfer market, in an attempt to recreate the three weeks of success Tony Adams had in the role only 12 months ago.
The Pompey owner is said to be in search of a manager whose background will mirror the image of the club, and rumours suggest he will turn to recent Peterborough manager Darren Ferguson – a man who was out of his depth at a club with no hope of financial impact or global expansion.
Either way, the new manager will be need to confident they can push Pompey’s ‘footballers’ to the next level, and inspire the team to complete a coherent passing move.
- – Dirty Tackle is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever – -
Bank of Southend, Pompey fans celebrate embargo and more…
Administration-hit Southend United were given a lifeline after finding out their only chance of survival lies in a government bail-out.
- Mastermind of the club’s success
But Southend fans are in dismay, because under new government subsidy take-over conditions, United would need to be re-classified as a bank.
Supporters will need to apply for match tickets, but will be refused if they have outstanding debts or a bad credit rating.
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Want-away owner Mike Ashley has conceded defeat in his attempts to offload Newcastle United by stating his intentions to turn the club around, at least until he gets disheartened and changes his mind.
As the fair-weather owner revels in the joy of being top of the league, he has forced Chris Hughton into taking the job he has always dreaded, the permanent manager position.
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Portsmouth fans are rejoicing about the news that the club has been restricted with a transfer embargo.
- Pompey fans embrace embargo
After Paul Hart sanctioned some woeful summer signings, Pompey fans are celebrating the thought of not acquiring any more rough-tackling defensive midfielders, lower-division wingers or battering-ram strikers.
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After Everton’s Carling Cup exit, manager David Moyes has staged a silent protest, refusing to talk about his team’s busy match schedule in order to resolve the problem.
The Toffees have lost three games in eight days. Moyes has been silently protesting since 2004.
In other news….
Hull City have denied reports that they have sacked manager Phil Brown, despite plenty of speculation that a scruffy orange-skinned ruffian has been seen skulking around the bins under the inner ring-road by the KC stadium, wearing a Bluetooth headset.
Eet eez taam for you to go
After playing Blackburn last week, Chelsea owner Roman Abramovic has filed their 137th request for the FA to remove their transfer embargo, this time quoting the reason that they may need to replenish their squad in the event of the entire team being exterminated by swine flu.
And finally….. Arsene Wenger has taken his experimental Carling Cup youth policy to extreme measures, by refusing access to the stadium to any supports over the age of 18.
- The Dirty Tackle Press is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever -
Allardyce insists swine flu is not tactical
Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce has denied claims that he plans to take the Premier League by storm by infecting every other team with swine flu.
After two massive defeats against Arsenal and Chelsea, The Lancashire-based carriers-of-the-disease are rumoured to be deploying new biological-warfare approaches in order to eliminate their competition.
Allardyce learned powerful mind-tricks at the Reebok
“My scouting trip to the Libya had nothing to do with learning how infect people with viruses, and my meeting with Colnel Gadaffi around the time of the outbreak was purely co-incidental,” he potentially pleaded.
The devious Allardyce has a back-ground of underhand tactics, after achieving success at Bolton by brainwashing ageing superstars into believing they were still talented.
But his mind-powers failed to convince his over-price imports that they had any ability while in charge at Newcastle, so it appears the fat-headed waffler has turned to infecting opponents with contagious bacteria.
Suspicions were confounded after an FA announcement that spitting on the pitch could lead to the spreading of swine flu, coincided with El-Hadj Diouf being restored to the first-team.
- The Dirty Tackle Press is a satirical football parody and contains no true facts whatsoever -
